A BROTHER'S PERSPECTIVE

Just One Brother’s Perspective On Their Journey

Written By: Rekkai Steed

If a man wants to be strong, being strong sometimes means learning to fight alone.

- Unknown Author

What is the new black man’s role in the world? This answer eludes even the most perspicacious of scholars. Since the beginning of time, black men are revered and feared for an inner light that has all but faded. The dull and barely visible hue glowing behind a black man’s eyes and beneath his chest are those of a #royal #warrior. Unfortunately, visions of that regal past escape the memories of our modern day #Wakandan #kings. Yet, in the constant face of ridicule, descension, danger, over analysis and scrutiny and a bloodline of #trauma; the black man continues to wear a smile. Why, you might ask? Simply put. What else is he to do?

SUPERMAN COMPLEX

Well, be #Superman of course! Be everything that everyone expects him to be and everything that he couldn’t possibly be. Who is more “#macho” than Superman? He can literally do anything. Jump over tall buildings, faster than the speed of sound, bulletproof. Seemingly invincible. The ultimate expression of “#maleness”. The “Superman” complex is the unhealthy belief that anyone else could not do what you can do and it may also include the NEED to “save” everyone. This can be further exacerbated by being African-American. Being a #superhero, trying to save people who don’t want to be saved or are wholly unappreciative if you do save them. We come in so many flavors of Superman. Brother, nephew, son, father, husband. Not to mention Thug. Criminal. Wretch. Lowlife. Manchild. Student. Working man. Professional. President. And STILL none of these roles are good enough or even matter. Whatever path we choose in this universe, we must travel it #alone. And the strength to do so is in short supply. We are practically running on fumes. Superman’s kryptonite? Is that he actually cared. And the world KNOWS that is our achilles heel EVERY time.

FATHERHOOD

As a young man, I learned how to cope with abuse and stress from my father. The presence of the father in the house is not a myth for the black family. It is not a fantasy story found only on television shows like Cosby, Wife and Kids, Black-ish or the like as he is present in the black family in real life as well. The problem for my #family is that there WAS a black man in my house.

And a man who was more about #assimilation than proud of his #blackness. He was supposed to set an example for a couple of young kings. However, he gave so far less than a stellar #example, the young princes in waiting often wished there was no king. I was taught many valuable lessons by this black man. I was taught… what NOT to be. And I know what you are going to say: “At LEAST you had a father in the home. You should be grateful.” But that’s not true.

When your #memories consist of being age 4 and the constant target of verbal and physical #abuse. Or age 8 and receiving multiple jabs and right hooks like a heavyweight championship bout. Or age 15 and the visible bruises and contusions from a bat, skillet, railroad track, car bumper or whatever was nearby and handy. An adolescence of constantly living in abject #fear. And although I lived in a dangerous combat zone, I sought refuge in my next battleground -- a stint in the army. At least this time I was armed and could shoot back. Around the world, plenty of people live in gang-infested or war torn areas and fear for their lives daily. The only difference for me was I lived in a nice upper middle class suburb. And I suffered from the same fear for my life daily. My #bipolar rival gang leader lived two doors down the hallway. So what do you do? Keep your head down. Don’t discuss your feelings. Shrink into the background. Keep it moving and #repress any negative thoughts. Thoughts of depression, #isolation, running away, rebellion, homicide. Hope they never return (spoiler: they do… at the worst time in your life). And keep that #smile. Dry up the tears. Be Strong. Be MACHO. BE A #MAN. But whatever you do, keep that smile.

RELATIONSHIPS

So how do we direct, cope and survive that internal #hurt. We don’t. We bury it and become #toxic to everyone and everything we touch. One toxic mess paired with another toxic mess. Sounds downright nuclear, doesn’t it? The biggest problem is when we don’t realize or don’t have a clue what we are doing. We exist in a perpetual state of #drowning. Seeing a group of people nearby and screaming for help, any help. But no one sees us. And no one understands that we are dieing, yet fighting desperately to live. And nevertheless, blamed for leaving loved ones standing on the beach while we were drowning. We continue our life and forge new relationships not knowing that we are shaped by what we have experienced. Some of us become strong and are better for the experience And some of us are damaged and have to find out we are damaged the hard way and then be given the tools, resources and support to #heal. And even when you think you’re healthy or think you have gotten better from nearly drowning, many times you may not be well. There should be no stigma to #therapy. Everyone should receive it. Just some of us need it far more than others.

The black man is emotionally #unstable. Why do I say that? America has designed us to be so. We have had to overcome centuries of programming of fear, #trauma, #deceit and a feeling of not #belonging. I am a film buff. I watch movies and search for purpose, #education, and the deeper layers of the #message. One of the small yet incredibly powerful scenes that I remember in cinema was from “Boyz N Da Hood”. Tre (Cuba Gooding Jr) just had his encounter with the #police and goes to his girlfriend Brandi’s (Nia Long) house and has a complete

meltdown. It scares Brandi as she shrinks away yet feels a stirring to comfort her boyfriend however she could at this moment of absolute #vulnerability and raw emotion while letting go of the guise of supreme manliness. Tre throws haymakers at the air and curses the shadows of his accusers. He tries to remain strong by doing the most manly thing he can think of, and that is to

fight- after the fact. Nevertheless, the #rage, #sadness, #embarrassment, #helplessness, fear, and #worthlessness that he felt in the moment of his self-imposed boxing match all culminate in a crumpled mess on the floor. He is fortunate to have Brandi there by his side at this moment. Yet it doesn’t take long in the movie for him to push her away as he gives back into macho #bravado and the peer pressure of the streets and circumstances by those closest to him. This scene speaks to the black man in SO MANY situations. Many times, in dealing with situations in our life, #violence is our response. It may be internal, but it does not negate that we are #emotionally unequipped to deal with a wide number of situations. And in the end….keep that smile.

Many men, especially black men, deal with feelings of #inadequacy. Yes, yes… I know the #myths and #stereotypes that have made us the bedroom envy of the world. But while we are so much more than that, the mere thought has made us targets of not only #envy but outright #hatred. The inadequacies amount to more than the “fantasy of #superhuman endowment and bedsheets #prowess”. We traverse this nation daily only to find that there are so few #fortresses of #solitude. No place of #peace. When so desperately we need peace and to be #loved. Loved even through all of the foolishness we have caused and endured. So, here comes Superman. To “save” the day. Yet he is more Hancock, Meteor Man or Blankman than the target of Superman. So all of his efforts, received and #unrequited, go #unappreciated and in vain. Kryptonite wins.

HEALTH (MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL)

Superman had all of the powers a man could desire, yet because of his #assignment, he NEEDED solitude. He tasked himself with saving his city and many times the world, yet in order to do it, he needed #peace. PEACE. LOVE. We task ourselves with so much, yet find ourselves under the ever present barrage of bad #politics, crooked #police, #power hungry employers, or #petulant life partners who want Superman but give Clark Kent thirteen types of hell. Clark Kent is Superman’s alter #ego. An ordinary guy who is #overlooked and #unappreciated for trying to get by. He may lend his #genius and #unconditional #love, but all for nought. This is the mask that Superman wears to “blend in”. However, the real question is: Which one is the #mask? Superman or Clark Kent?

Life has #berated us and pummeled us in the #submission of believing we are not enough, that we are not #successful enough, that no matter what we do, it is NEVER enough. It is amazing how men travel such different paths in life and have a variation of life experiences and emotions

to pull from yet, we all seem to have this common thread of feeling #insufficient. If you have dealt with enough #rejection, and to walk this Earth as a black man, rejection almost becomes your middle name; then, you are more than familiar with the gaping hole in your #soul and your #psyche. Nothing you ever do can fill it. You will feel #joy, #happiness, #success, and even #pride and they will all be temporary and fleeting. No matter how much you try to hold on to those good thoughts and #validations of your #accomplishments, the emptiness in your soul will never allow you to flex-seal it. Even when Superman turns into the Bizarro version of himself, is there anyone who knows that this is NOT him and tries to help Superman? After he has done so much to help so many others? So what does he do? Smile. Keep living and smile.

COVERING

In March, I watched the first new episode for the second season of Lebron James’ TV show, “The Shop”. In his conversation with the various personalities in the room, he espoused about his friends from high school. On a team of 12, one was constantly by his side. Another five of them were very successful. The other five were either locked up or dead. Lebron’s query was this,

“How did I end up with this group of successful men when I could have VERY EASILY ended up with this other group of struggling men?” The group bantered and someone came up with “the village”. #Lebron said, for whatever reason, the #community saw something special in him and decided to cover him and those other five men and make sure they were #successful. No mention was made as to why the other five men were not covered or maybe they were and the amount of #hurt, self #loathing, and #degradation that they felt within their spirit would not allow them to remain #covered. At any rate, they made their choice and #suffered immeasurably because of it. However, let’s extrapolate that for a moment. Is that what we are missing? Covering. The #Village. It is easy (easier) to cover children, but how do we cover grown men?

As black men, we seek #covering. We yearn to fill that bucket-sized hole in our #soul. Yet, our sources for that type of shelter seem sporadic and isolated. We seek #validation in our schools, jobs, families, friendships, relationships, spouses, community, and even religious organizations. We seek ways to #cope with our extreme #pain and often delve into #depression, #anxiety, #codependency, and post #traumatic stress, if we are not consuming some legal or illegal substance or illicit habit in order to forget our #problems instead of deal with them.

“...Some men develop compulsions as coping mechanisms such as overeating, overspending, or even projecting their feelings of inadequacy onto others to avoid difficult emotions. Some men attempt to control others, even to the point of abusing their intimate partners, in order to deal with feelings of powerlessness or because they blame others for personal or relationship challenges.”

- As paraphrased from the Medical Science Monitor, v19, 2013 pgs. 1050-1056.

We must be the village. We need to continue to cover each other. Find a way to hold each other accountable. Along with understanding where these feelings derive and how to combat them.

We can’t make any excuses, however, we will need time and resources to battle all of these #demons. But men, we must realize that in order to be of any value to anyone whom you have pulled into your circle of #influence, you must FIGHT alone. You must address and fight your own #struggles, rather than disregard them or bring someone else into your battle. This life we call war will have supporters but only one #protagonist, and therefore, only one victor. Have the people around you SUPPORT you, but they can not fight your battles for you. So of course you FIGHT. And #fight hard. The world expects it from you.

But hey, what do I know? #Perspective is just a fancy word for #opinion. What am I doing right now? #Smiling, of course.

Written By: Rekkai Steed